Dr.MudHut

Thoughts of past, present and future dissolve into thoughts of her. I live a waking dream in her company – happy for every smile. Every chance to look into her eyes. I love the way she moves and the sound of he voice is the only music that pleases me anymore. I am no longer whole when she is not around. My heart and mind have become divided to be with her. My heart takes charge of my mind and in spirit I am with her always. Everything else is hollow for me. I can not compel myself to break this enchantment. I am helpless in a way that I do not understand. I am happy for this but it is so unlike me. Here in China – opportunity for romance abounds for me. And the physical is always available only a few blocks away. I told myself countless times this would not happen to me. I was comfortable with my lonely life. How many witnesses are their? Did I not say I was not coming to China for Love? Fate is a trickster and had a different plan for me – I know that now. My love is healing a heart that was almost dead. I can feel life in it again and a Love I did not know was ever meant for me to have. This lovely lady has saved me from death of the heart. I did not even know how sick I was. I had become numb. My love laid dormant waiting for her – I know that now. But how can I make her know it? For she is to practical to believe for now. Perhaps the liars of this world have spoilt my announcement – the proclamation of my love for her. Anyone could write pretty words – or say pretty lies. And she is no fool. She told me with a smile “People always want what they can not have.” “That has never been true for me in the past.” - I explained. “I always tried to be happy with what I had.” If I prayed I would pray that that my desire is possible and not something that I can not have. My passions tell me that she is the only thing that is real. For her I feel I could do anything. The magic of my existence has always been that I make the unlikely choice and bring seemingly impossible things out of the world of dreams and into life. I have always prospered for this – I have always been rich in experience. The wisdom of my mind is now worthless for were it does not serve my heart I ignore it. I can see a dream of love in her eyes. I want to make her dream real. When I look into her heart past the pain I feel the virtue of her soul. I have never been one to mistake this. I know what true beauty is. I think her heart is starting to believe mine when I show my love. But Her mind will not accept yet what I want her to know about me. I have not lied. I am in Love. And this love for her is something unlike anything I have ever known. It is changing me. I do not resist it. This is so unlike me. My thoughts turn from my selfishness and I want her to be happy even before myself. Me a creature of self indulgence at every turn. Now I think only of her. I am so strong but she has completely conquered me without a fight. I want it to be like her dreams – I want it to be as she wishes for. I want to make the impossible true again but only for her. If this was destiny I embrace it – because my heart leaps at the possibilities. “Aren't you scarred of being lonely?” - she asked me one time. If I had the chance to speak again I would say. “No I have always been lonely. But now I am only scarred of being without you.” I have never accepted limitations and courage is one of my arts. I face my fear daily each time I am blessed to look at her. I will not run away from this. My challenge has been issued. My desires have been made clear. Truth will prevail in this because I know that my heart will not change for her. She calls her boy friend stupid – I can not help but agree. But it is clear that he is blind also for he does not see what I see. I pity him that he has a treasure I would move worlds for and does not know it. I am not a thief. And it is not possible to steal Love from another. But I strive to earn it – where her stupid boyfriend clearly does not. I do not know the odds nor the chance that I will ever have her. But I am an optimist even in desperation. I am glad for any chance. For her I could make the impossible true. For her I can do anything. Anything except deny my love for her. I can not hide it. The evidence is always there. I wonder when she will allow herself to believe me? For now I will go on thinking of December.

Its all desire - the source of our humanity and our virtue is what made this desire possible. The divinity within that propells us forward into experince and the unknown. If not for desire we would not be alive. Would we even exist? We could not call ourselves human nor even begin to call ourselves divine. Desire is our redemtion and the cause of it is our being. Sacred to our self and all. It's all desire. And it is the only way to know pain. And it leads us to our grave. Sufferring and death result because Life exist and with it desire. We have it for a very good reason. To find it's origin.

Now there is only the waiting. Because I have done everything I am able to do. What comes I do not know for sure. But I am an optimist at heart and an adventurer in spirit. In mind I suppose I am a pragmatist. But as you can see easily, my heart and spirit win out nearly every time. In the end A man must face his own understanding and live by its rewards or its toll. I suppose my mind conceeds most of the time really - but then again, I am an optimist at heart. And possess the spirit of adventure. Really its almost like I planed it to be ironic. And pracicality be damned. Did my mind play a joke on me with the forsight to laugh at itself. Now that would be funny. I know this much following the "Good Advice" of "Conventinal Wisdom" almost always leads to a dull existance and the tyrany of being oppressed by your own very life. That is not very practical at all. Got to love the irony. I love my mind as well

When I saw you I remembered my dreams
Once abandoned but now recalled
Clarity not lost for neglect
Hope's beckoning call
Fiery passions surging
Driving visions of an embrace
Acceptance given and granted
Understanding before not found
Nurturing affections
Warmly growing
Between us in my dreams
Caress of the spirit gentle
Between us - minds in accord
Divinity sparked in moments
Between us validating one another
Me knowing that
When I saw you I remembered my dreams

It seems to me that desperation is born of either a poverty of self worth or exactly the opposite – A wealth of knowledge and appreciation for one’s own self. How like eastern thoughts on yin / yang – extremes of one kind or another resemble their opposite. While one seeks to deceive others with a projected personality they believe will be adored the latter seeks to present truth of itself unobscured – knowing full well it will most likely be misunderstood. One hopes to be loved for a lie the other hopes to reveal a truth. One is thirsty for a drink that will never slake their inner thirst. The other is confused by the misunderstanding that arises so frequently. It is a supreme irony then that the latter is more often than not the victim of the first. For as the true knowledge of the self inspires compassion towards others. Insecurities provoke retaliation at those who do not share them. This is what I mean by suffering for the insecurities of others. It is funny how both are desperate positions. And it is funny how those who strike out often do so at the ones most likely to offer the embrace of acceptance that is so needed by the first. And as the First kind of desperation is so much more prevalent it is not uncommon that the second kind of desperation inspires acts of outright violence – as payment for their honesty. That is why so many of our saviors are martyred and killed. The truly wise among those with the second kind of desperation share themselves with those of like mind - and sometimes anonymously. I am not quite that wise but a far cry from a martyr. I suppose I still have a good bit to learn about myself before I am wise enough to keep my mouth shut. But I’m optimistic it will come – one day.

Look on and marvel at what I have made
Spiraling upward in grandeur
Reaching ever higher
And with a light of it’s own
Glory unto its own self
Claiming divinity by right
Knowledge of truth here
A tower and an art
It is me
Self creating

Now as I knew it would
My tower comes under assault
Suffering for the insecurity of others
Those who would rather believe lies
Of me and of themselves
My tower stands a testament
To what they do not see
Labeled and judged as offensive
Though beautiful and true
They strike out in ignorance
At there own beauty too
Towers such as this
Make them so mad
Reminding them of their bitter choice
To ignore what I dare not
Making themselves a slave
My offence is that I have not

Of my own free will
I raised this tower
To declare a war
On the lies of this world
That tell us we are of no worth
That Virtue is gained by
Ignoring the truth of the spirit within
Lies that divide man from his God
With a sword made of fear
Berate his value with doubts
Feeding him with moldy bread
Of half truths – corrupting his mind
I raised my tower in spite of this
Showing that the impossible is true
But look on it is not God
Who Strikes out at it
It is you

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

I choose to live on in my truth - now and after my death. This is the secret of the immortals. Living without regard to the world’s opinions but instead to the calling of your own nature nourishes your own spiritual nature. Your soul will drive you to creative and spontaneous expression of virtue - if you listen to it. And call on you to share it with others – without regard to how it may be received. It will teach you. It will guide you. It will demand that you reach out to another in need. This is you. The you you want to cultivate. Live it or die trying. Both are acceptable. But the alternatives are a crime against yourself. I am convinced of this.

For those who do not think for themselves - Let them at least think on those who do. -Christopher Spitler

Think of a happy tune
And sing along inside
And as you step in time
Point your smile inside

Feel a warming glow
As your heart it swells
With a joy of life
Deep inside it dwells

Now sing your happy song
A pleasant lullaby
Put to sleep your worries
And of your trouble say goodbye

Golden sunny rays
Spiraling all around
And your feet they seem
To float across the ground

Light up your world today
Thinking joyous sounds
Be a child again
Dancing all through town

Sing your happy song
Now give the love you’ve found
Spread it with joy and know
It comes back around

Might seem silly but
You know it is so true
If you’re feeling down
Laugh until you’re blue

Now sing your happy song
Feel a warming glow
With a joy of life
Silly secrets that you know

Golden sunny rays
Spiraling all around
Light up your world today
Thinking joyous sounds

Be a child again