While I will periodically post to this account in the future, I am going to start a new lj account that will be laid out better and signify a new begining for me. If you have followed me at all please look for a link soon to come.
The underlying problem with the concept of sin is truly a simple thing. We don’t know what is desired by the greater authority of any divinity that would suggest error on our part and judge us because of this. I say we don’t know. That is neither to say that there are not those who would tell you they know nor to say that there are not plenty of books with rules. But I put to you the direct question. When one ask and when one reads of these sources (all of them) – is it any clearer? No. It is not. There are no answers for the specifics of your life anywhere to be found that a reputable. So we simply do not have an answer to what authority to bend our own free will and choose accordingly. We do know that we have been given the freedom of choice we possess. We do know that we possess the power of reason. We possess the power of foresight. We possess the wisdom our own experience has granted us. We know we have learned a great deal from this experience. Our own personal truths - that are subject to change. We could consider all things leading up to this a process of education. To look at the etymology of the word sin comes from the Greek word hamartia (ἁμαρτία) and is often translated as sin in the New Testament; it means "to miss the mark" or "to miss the target". So let us ask what was our aim? What was the target of our action? What was our purpose in doing a thing and did it get accomplished? Then does it matter to that higher authority we choose to supposedly obey or disobey? IF we reason that this authority has greater power than ourselves the reality will be shaped according to that desire not our own. The target has been struck dead center “bullseye”. And the result is this that we have now. Our actions lead us here and this was desired or it would not be. Therefore – there is no sin. We are doing precisely what we are supposed to do all of the time. The good, the bad and the ugly were all part of the recipe for what we have now. You are free to do as you choose. But you do define yourself with those choices. How would you shape yourself? It is your choice. What do you want to know? Experiment with your choices to find out the answer. Seek and you shall find – I believe that one. Go now free of sin and do no harm.
Sometimes I wonder at peoples beliefs. I find it interesting that in most religious text (including the Bible but not limited to it) we are commanded by the Divine (God or gods) to Love - to love them and each other generally speaking. But the problem is this any genuine emotion be it Fear, Hate, affection or even the big one Love arise of their own accord. We can fake them but that is not real. We are commanded to do something that is not really a choice. I will concede that we can act out of a general compassion towards others and perhaps God. Maybe compassion is a choice. Maybe. Benevolence is a choice but not always motivated by the highest in a person. Even though we might want to (or not want to) Love is its own master when genuine. I’m surprised this isn’t brought up more often. It is probably due to our own lack of love and embarrassment about it.
The thing that makes a con artist career is that he is able to convince others that lies are the truth knowing that they are lies. Most liars are crippled by their own conscience knowing they are telling lies triggers unconscious give aways. Thus the con artist is deficient as a human being because they lack this very human trait. This is why they are believable - they are lacking a strong enough sense of self to trigger this divided and contradictory behavior. People who know themselves must manipulate the truth. For a Con-artist they need only forget the nature that is inside them long enough to gain something very petty in comparison to what they betray and subjugate - their own virtue.
Thoughts of past, present and future dissolve into thoughts of her. I live a waking dream in her company – happy for every smile. Every chance to look into her eyes. I love the way she moves and the sound of he voice is the only music that pleases me anymore. I am no longer whole when she is not around. My heart and mind have become divided to be with her. My heart takes charge of my mind and in spirit I am with her always. Everything else is hollow for me. I can not compel myself to break this enchantment. I am helpless in a way that I do not understand. I am happy for this but it is so unlike me. Here in China – opportunity for romance abounds for me. And the physical is always available only a few blocks away. I told myself countless times this would not happen to me. I was comfortable with my lonely life. How many witnesses are their? Did I not say I was not coming to China for Love? Fate is a trickster and had a different plan for me – I know that now. My love is healing a heart that was almost dead. I can feel life in it again and a Love I did not know was ever meant for me to have. This lovely lady has saved me from death of the heart. I did not even know how sick I was. I had become numb. My love laid dormant waiting for her – I know that now. But how can I make her know it? For she is to practical to believe for now. Perhaps the liars of this world have spoilt my announcement – the proclamation of my love for her. Anyone could write pretty words – or say pretty lies. And she is no fool. She told me with a smile “People always want what they can not have.” “That has never been true for me in the past.” - I explained. “I always tried to be happy with what I had.” If I prayed I would pray that that my desire is possible and not something that I can not have. My passions tell me that she is the only thing that is real. For her I feel I could do anything. The magic of my existence has always been that I make the unlikely choice and bring seemingly impossible things out of the world of dreams and into life. I have always prospered for this – I have always been rich in experience. The wisdom of my mind is now worthless for were it does not serve my heart I ignore it. I can see a dream of love in her eyes. I want to make her dream real. When I look into her heart past the pain I feel the virtue of her soul. I have never been one to mistake this. I know what true beauty is. I think her heart is starting to believe mine when I show my love. But Her mind will not accept yet what I want her to know about me. I have not lied. I am in Love. And this love for her is something unlike anything I have ever known. It is changing me. I do not resist it. This is so unlike me. My thoughts turn from my selfishness and I want her to be happy even before myself. Me a creature of self indulgence at every turn. Now I think only of her. I am so strong but she has completely conquered me without a fight. I want it to be like her dreams – I want it to be as she wishes for. I want to make the impossible true again but only for her. If this was destiny I embrace it – because my heart leaps at the possibilities. “Aren't you scarred of being lonely?” - she asked me one time. If I had the chance to speak again I would say. “No I have always been lonely. But now I am only scarred of being without you.” I have never accepted limitations and courage is one of my arts. I face my fear daily each time I am blessed to look at her. I will not run away from this. My challenge has been issued. My desires have been made clear. Truth will prevail in this because I know that my heart will not change for her. She calls her boy friend stupid – I can not help but agree. But it is clear that he is blind also for he does not see what I see. I pity him that he has a treasure I would move worlds for and does not know it. I am not a thief. And it is not possible to steal Love from another. But I strive to earn it – where her stupid boyfriend clearly does not. I do not know the odds nor the chance that I will ever have her. But I am an optimist even in desperation. I am glad for any chance. For her I could make the impossible true. For her I can do anything. Anything except deny my love for her. I can not hide it. The evidence is always there. I wonder when she will allow herself to believe me? For now I will go on thinking of December.
Sun, Aug. 29th, 2010, 10:18 pm
Its all desire
Its all desire - the source of our humanity and our virtue is what made this desire possible. The divinity within that propells us forward into experince and the unknown. If not for desire we would not be alive. Would we even exist? We could not call ourselves human nor even begin to call ourselves divine. Desire is our redemtion and the cause of it is our being. Sacred to our self and all. It's all desire. And it is the only way to know pain. And it leads us to our grave. Sufferring and death result because Life exist and with it desire. We have it for a very good reason. To find it's origin.
Now there is only the waiting. Because I have done everything I am able to do. What comes I do not know for sure. But I am an optimist at heart and an adventurer in spirit. In mind I suppose I am a pragmatist. But as you can see easily, my heart and spirit win out nearly every time. In the end A man must face his own understanding and live by its rewards or its toll. I suppose my mind conceeds most of the time really - but then again, I am an optimist at heart. And possess the spirit of adventure. Really its almost like I planed it to be ironic. And pracicality be damned. Did my mind play a joke on me with the forsight to laugh at itself. Now that would be funny. I know this much following the "Good Advice" of "Conventinal Wisdom" almost always leads to a dull existance and the tyrany of being oppressed by your own very life. That is not very practical at all. Got to love the irony. I love my mind as well
When I saw you I remembered my dreams
Once abandoned but now recalled
Clarity not lost for neglect
Hope's beckoning call
Fiery passions surging
Driving visions of an embrace
Acceptance given and granted
Understanding before not found
Between us in my dreams
Caress of the spirit gentle
Between us - minds in accord
Divinity sparked in moments
Between us validating one another
Me knowing that
When I saw you I remembered my dreams
It seems to me that desperation is born of either a poverty of self worth or exactly the opposite – A wealth of knowledge and appreciation for one’s own self. How like eastern thoughts on yin / yang – extremes of one kind or another resemble their opposite. While one seeks to deceive others with a projected personality they believe will be adored the latter seeks to present truth of itself unobscured – knowing full well it will most likely be misunderstood. One hopes to be loved for a lie the other hopes to reveal a truth. One is thirsty for a drink that will never slake their inner thirst. The other is confused by the misunderstanding that arises so frequently. It is a supreme irony then that the latter is more often than not the victim of the first. For as the true knowledge of the self inspires compassion towards others. Insecurities provoke retaliation at those who do not share them. This is what I mean by suffering for the insecurities of others. It is funny how both are desperate positions. And it is funny how those who strike out often do so at the ones most likely to offer the embrace of acceptance that is so needed by the first. And as the First kind of desperation is so much more prevalent it is not uncommon that the second kind of desperation inspires acts of outright violence – as payment for their honesty. That is why so many of our saviors are martyred and killed. The truly wise among those with the second kind of desperation share themselves with those of like mind - and sometimes anonymously. I am not quite that wise but a far cry from a martyr. I suppose I still have a good bit to learn about myself before I am wise enough to keep my mouth shut. But I’m optimistic it will come – one day.